Standing here solidly on my own two hands and going crazy

This past week has been great. Matt's off work, and with him around, I've actually been able to cross off things from my to-do list. Between the low energy levels and 24/7 pain, I have to budget my tasks.
As much as I haaaate needing and asking for help, that's my reality now. And I am grateful for it, even if a part of me is angry that it's even necessary.

Holiday cards are done and awaiting stamps (ordered from the USPS website)

Gifts have been wrapped, with the Great Present Migration already in process (they'll show up wrapped, promise!).  We're getting our tree Sunday, which means trimming Monday followed by gift-placing after.

I've been making chocolates, with Matt handling sous vide duties for tempering. 

We've also had time to just...chill.  Hanging out in bed with the dogs, watching the Donna Hay Christmas special on Disney.  We played Castle Panic. Talked.
There never seems to be enough time to just BE together, so that's been fantastic.

This weekend, more chocolates and, hopefully, the start of Merry Cookie Season.

However, I'm planning on getting my Covid booster and flu shot either Monday or Tuesday.  And I'm always the lucky sort who gets totally flattened by these things, meaning this upcoming week will be a total loss.

There's so much frustration, knowing you have 'X' amount to give, and once that's used up, you're done. And that it's not even a standard 'X'. One day, I could feel almost human - 70% energy supply. Another, simply thinking about getting out of bed to use the bathroom makes me want to cry.


I'm not good at idle.  It feels like I'm wasting time. And I know there's a whole lot of trauma and needed therapy behind that, but it doesn't change the fact that not being able to do things only makes the situation worse.

So, do the thing I need to do for my health, and that of those I love...and be (feel) useless for days.  But I can't bake when I'm in pain!

Eh. Rambling and complaining, I know. I wouldn't if I thought anyone was still reading this thing.

Labels: health, personal, updates

I'm battling a lot of emotions right now.

There's a really good chance Twitter is about to explode...and I'm not handling it well.

Ok, I am. Because that's just how I do things.  But internally I AM NOT OK.

I have been so very isolated, so extremely lonely, since this stupid, super-rare, incurable and un-treatable disease has taken over, and Twitter was my way to connect with people who weren't currently living in my house. 

I joined because one of my food blogging friends was there, and she was using it more than her actual blog. And hey, more food friends were around!

Then I found comics people.  And art people.  And animal lovers and ...everyone. I made friends. I had daily conversations with people. We shared parts of our lives (curated, for the most part, but it was something!), we laughed and raged and it alleviated some of the sadness and boredom. 

And with its very swift decline and (most likely) demise, I'm thinking of all the people I'll probably never see or hear from again. And how empty my life is going to feel. And I AM NOT OK.

It makes me angry that this horrid, rich, entitled actual villain can burn to the ground something so vital to the lives of so many.  And it won't mean anything to him in the end. 

So, I'm feeling a lot of things.  Mostly grief.  Not because of Twitter, exactly. But what it's symbolized: a lifeline.  I'm going to miss it in a very real and painful way. 

AND I AM NOT OK. 

Labels: grief, health, loneliness, personal, sadness, twitter